This isn’t the first time I’ve written on this topic and it probably won’t be the last. I’ve sort of been working around the edges of it as I learn more about it. The only opportunity I have to learn about it is with myself. Reading and listening to people has been my main tool in this process of self examination. Also being still and listening to whatever is.

The area I want to try and focus in on today is the “what am I” part of the self acceptance puzzle. This is the portion where self hatred, low self esteem, the constant effort people put towards self improvement and so on lives. Even now, I recognize a familiarity in what I’m writing. I’ll try not to be to redundant.

In a recent post I touched on a few revelations I had into my own personal make up. We might refer to this as our nature, or our character, but I don’t want to do that here. My – make up – is simpler. It doesn’t have as many different definitions and you can’t set forth a lot of opinions where a make up is concerned. It’s less loaded with memory association. It means, when I look at myself I notice these traits, this is what my psyche is made of. What I mentioned in recent posts was a certain amount of “subtle” fear that I hadn’t fully observed before. Subtle in the sense that it doesn’t cause me to hide, tremble etc. It’s just sort of – there. The other was that I seem to have a “don’t care” tendency. I don’t even want to try and explain this again. I can’t do a good job because my understanding of it is still kind of cloudy. So I’ll just say, there’s this non caring, less caring thing. It may, or may not, be a less than others situation. I don’t know to what degree anyone cares, or doesn’t care. I only know what people say, and what people do.

So anyway, I have these things. These things like fear, and maybe a lack of caring, definitely some violence. There are certain people on this planet that I think need to be put down, for the same reason a rabid dog needs to be put down. I think there are people who are no better than crazed animals and I’d really like to kill them. These thoughts go through my mind almost every day. There is no energy behind them – they’re more like an analytical assessment. No getting stuck in it. They just come through. So these fears and hates and frustrations are part of my make up. Now what? The question I want to ask – again – is, can I, or should I try, to change this? To become different. Can I, or do I need to, change. If I say, yes I need to change, what should I become?

If I, knowing what I know about the I, wanted to change – why would I listen? I just listed some of my “I” make up as being hate, fear and confusion about whether I care enough. Why would I listen to someone who I know is, a little scared, a little confused and has violent thoughts? Why would I go on a campaign for him? What kind of ideas might he have? As usual. I can’t answer anything for anyone – maybe just pose a few questions.

There are some things we can change, and some things we can do. These pages have some ideas, the "HowTooz" at my website. That’s the first page in the how to section. There is a lot of stuff in that section on the brain. We can for sure do a lot where the brain is concerned. As a favor if you run across anything that doesn’t make sense, or typos, let me know. I would also like for people to join the forum. It’s new and needs members.